Friday, December 13, 2013

A Lack Of Confidence, Or A Lack Of Will?

Tada Banri (Golden Time)

My last post was in the first week of May. Since that time, it's been long seven months. My hiatus was a sudden, and unintended one...

At the end of May, after photographing a wedding, I hit my head, and got a concussion. I was unable to use electronics, read (no games for me!), use a camera, or even remember the previous day's events without getting a serious headache. Because the concussion disrupted my vision, I couldn't go outside. 

For about 2 full weeks, I missed class, and spent my days huddled under a blanket unable to even think because it hurt. Before, my inner mind was my sanctum, and now it felt like a prison. I was extremely emotionally unstable. I worried about whether I would ever be back to normal, and began having severe anxiety and a loss of confidence.

By mid-June, the serious effects of the concussion were gone. I slowly tried to return to my normal life. My boyfriend at the time bought me some Japanese snacks, and I had two new entries in mind for my return. However, by this point, the anxiety had become crippling. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do things as I did before. I abandoned blogging, drawing, and video games. I no longer felt confident in my own abilities, and was paralyzed in a never-ending mode of "preparation".

I had lost my self-identity completely.

My interest in Psychology, especially personality type was rekindled, and I began researching my Enneagram type. I only truly feel myself when I'm researching or learning about a difficult subject. It's a little harder to process and focus on the information since my concussion, but it helps a lot. Life has been very stressful for me lately, and I feel upside down and out of sorts. I'm a long way from being whole again, but I'm working little by little. I've learned more about myself, and have also begun the process of trying to "love myself", as cliche as that sounds.

I want to continue with this blog, and writing for you awesome people. I have to find my niche in blogging again, so bear with me. 

Thanks for reading my blog everyone. 

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